You are currently viewing Low Divorce Rate in India – does it show the Success of arranged Marriages? – 24 Apr 12

Low Divorce Rate in India – does it show the Success of arranged Marriages? – 24 Apr 12

Today is Akshai Tithya, a religious holiday in India. It is said that whatever you do on this day ‘won’t get lost’. Whatever you start will succeed and whatever you get will be yours forever. This is how on this day lots of gold is bought and sold and there are also a lot of marriages. Most of them are arranged, as it is still usual in India. The question that I would like to write about today is whether these marriages are successful or not?

The very first thing that may come into western peoples’ minds now is a loud answer ‘No! It cannot be successful or good when people are forced to marry strangers! That is an extremely old-fashioned idea!’. The reality however is that arranged marriages are really still very normal in India and that the children, even if they are already thirty years old when they marry, don’t feel forced and are not sad about the fact that their parents arranged their marriage.

They don’t expect their parents to do anything else. Here it is normal, everybody in their surrounding had an arranged marriage or is going to have one. In a person’s surrounding there will usually be very few people who married out of love. Children are looking forward to the day when their parents tell them they found a life partner for their children. It is part of the culture. We do joke sometimes and say that this keeps all tension off the children – if they accept this, they don’t need to worry about finding someone – it is the duty of their parents. And they will be the ones to blame if it does not work out.

You cannot however say that none of these arranged marriages are successful. There are so many success stories and I know many couples, my parents included, who are very happy with each other. But of course, when two strangers meet and get married, success depends on adjustment, compromises and tolerance. Men have to do that, too, but the biggest part of this is on the shoulder of the women.

Why do I say this? In the Indian culture and society it is normal for a woman to leave the house of her parents in which she grew up when she gets married and move in with her husband and his family. This means she enters a fully new atmosphere with her husband, her in-laws, a new city and a completely new environment. Everything can be completely different to her previous life. Men obviously also have to adjust their lives a bit – they now have a woman by their side – but she has to do the bigger part of adjustments. If she does and he also does his part, the marriage will be a success. And according to divorce rates in India, most marriages are still successful.

At this point however you need to ask: what is the meter of success here? Does ‘no divorce’ mean success or wouldn’t it rather be the harmony in between two people that makes a marriage a success? Do 100% of those who are labeled as ‘successful arranged marriages’ live a happy life? You can be quite sure that this is not the case. In statistics, a marriage may seem successful because they are not divorced, they are not in court, but they live together in the same house. I see often however that there is no harmony and happiness. Their marriage is only still intact because they don’t have the courage to cross the line, to say “I don’t want to live with you anymore”.

I have seen with many couples that they are fighting a lot and they don’t enjoy each other’s company at all. Nevertheless they still live together and have accepted a bitter life. Why? Because divorce is still considered as a stain on your reputation in this society. It is the fear of a loss of social prestige which makes them fight in closed rooms, showing happy faces to the outside. Problems start after a few months but they keep playing the drama of happiness and love. For the public they are successfully married but when they are alone and fighting, they honestly say to each other: ‘You have a place in my house and in my life but not in my heart.’ Would you really call this a successful marriage?

This kind of situation exists in the west, too, though. I remember one of my friends from Germany who told me that her parents have been fighting for the last 40 years, considering divorce again and again. They are now 80 years old and still have the same problem. They could not decide to get separated – what would people say? Social reputation is still an issue in the west, too, even if it is only among older people. Today’s generation doesn’t want to suffer that much anymore.

In India, too, you can see that the success rate of marriages was higher in older times than it is now – or the divorce rate lower, however you want to express it. One reason for this is that people get married at an older age. With the influence of the outer world, the changes in society and most of all with education, men and women don’t want to anymore silently accept everything in their lives if they don’t like it. They protest and don’t adjust that easily anymore. They may get married to the partner whom their parents chose but it seems that more people now have the courage to tell if they cannot live with the other one anymore. More people today decide that the loss of social prestige for themselves and their family is not worth more than their happiness. And they would lose their happiness if they stayed in a marriage without love. The result is that there are more divorces today than there were before.

I will not say that arranged marriages cannot succeed and that couples cannot live in harmony if their parents chose them for each other. I believe however that this is an outdated system which in this time brings more suffering than love. I will write more about arranged marriages in the next days.

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This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. Rhodri

    I think it is interesting that there is a comparison to Western marriages. Arranged marriages are, these days, unheard of in the UK. Everyone gets married to whom they want to, however, our divorce rate is huge! and many, many couples are unhappy after just a few months.

  2. Russel

    It is sad that people are so worried about their reputation in society that they will give it more importance than their own happiness. I am happy for any arranged marriages that work out, but for those who don’t it must be a life of misery!

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