I yesterday mentioned that the arrangement of a marriage can fail due to a lack of money. In arranged marriages, the financial aspect is very important and the biggest question is and remains how much dowry the girl will bring, how much the family of the girl can afford. They are also the ones who usually pay for the wedding – and with money being so important, the whole event is normally all about showing off money.
I told in a previous diary entry that there is a law against dowry but that it is still a socially very acceptable crime. Nobody can stop the fact that it happens everywhere in India and every day. It is just like the caste system – there is a law against it but it still exists. And while it may in earlier times have been just a tradition to give necessary household items, it has become more and more commercial now.
With all the difficulties of finding a suitable partner, a new business was born. Now you can find marriage bureaus and also online websites which call matchmaking their business. When the parents of a girl or a boy are not successful in finding a partner or don’t want to take too much stress in trying, they register their child at such a marriage bureau, paying a fee for it.
The next step is to create a profile with a whole lot of details. The child’s age, education, profession and job, salary, skin colour, religion, caste and subcaste all have to be mentioned. A boy’s family now has to set their price and tell how much dowry they expect. If he is a doctor, the family could for example expect five million rupees. Parents of an engineer also think about how much they invested for his education – and ask for four million rupees.
A girl’s family has to give the same details and tell how big their budget is. How much can they give as dowry? Do they have enough for marrying their daughter to an engineer? The agents of the marriage bureau will then match the girl’s data with the boys’ data and show the parents some options.
It is pretty much like shopping for a son-in-law. Here you go into a shop and tell the salesman: ‘I am looking for a red winter shawl in the range from 1000 to 1500 Rupees’. The shopkeeper will go and take out a few shawls, some a bit cheaper and others, with more embroidery or of better quality, obviously for a higher price. You can choose and you know, if you pay a bit more, you will be warmer and cozier. Can you afford that?
The girl’s father knows that he has for example only one daughter and this day will only come once in his life. He knows, if he now gives more money, his daughter will have a husband who earns more. This obviously means more security and a better standard of life. So he sees this payment as an investment in the future of his daughter and will do everything to ensure a sufficient amount of money. Many families take loans or sell some of their property in order to do what they think ensures a good future for their daughter.
Once a match has been made, the two parties can get in touch and there will be a more detailed discussion: how much of that dowry amount should be given in cash and what else should be given? The boy’s party declares if they want to have a car or a motorbike and how much gold they want.
Once the deal is settled, the agent takes a certain percentage of the price that was agreed on. It all depends on the ‘market value’ of the boy. Sometimes even the heritage of the father or grandfather is included in the calculation.
It seems practical to have the help of agents for matching but obviously even that cannot guarantee the happiness of the couple after their wedding. Unfortunately there can be big problems especially because of the dowry even leading to the death of women because of the dowry. It is a concept that is just not right and it does not help that people make money out of it.
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I think dowrys are awful! They are all real people. Human beings. not a scarf to be sold for a price. and some girls die because of the dowry. how does this happen?
After watching Bollywood films, you start to think that India is all about love and romance. But reading stories like this make you realise it is not so! With love, we can share happiness and bring joy. That should not be forgotten.
How odd that something that should be perceived as natural and originally beautiful has become an object of captialism! Had anyone ever stopped to ask the boy and girl how they felt being bartered away like cattle? Or are they also of the same mind of their parents? In Beijing there is one lady that I know who bartered for her own marriage, but she is not happy, she cannot stand her husband, and dislikes her homelife so much that much of her time she spends away from home…searching for real love…