Yesterday I mentioned that a husband, the parents-in-law and the whole husband’s family can get angry and even violent towards woman if she does not give birth to a son. If a woman is so unfortunate to marry into such a family, it can happen that the violence starts even before she gets children. And again, the reason is the crazy system of paying a dowry to the groom and his family.
At first the family of the groom does a big business. They spend a lot of time on finding the right bride who has enough money to ‘pay for their son’ and the arguable luck of becoming a part of their family. They bargain a lot with the parents of the bride-to-be and finally settle on an amount or on gifts that the father of the bride gives on the wedding day. Soon after the wedding however, the poor girl can get a nasty surprise: her husband and his family want more!
It can start with some small comments by any family member, telling the young woman that she got her husband for a very cheap price. The husband may tell that his sisters will give their future husbands a much higher dowry. The parents may mention by-the-by that she should not think she brought a lot into the marriage, that her father should really have given more.
They pressurize the girl to ask he parents for more money. Sometimes they threaten to beat her and abuse her. If the girl, in her misery, turns to her father, he will try his best to avoid domestic violence for his daughter and if he can, he may even give more.
Unfortunately however this kind of sick mind cannot be satisfied and they keep on pressing money out of the woman, harassing and abusing her. Sometimes this kind of situation even escalates and they kill the woman in her new home. They threaten her that much that she pours kerosene over her head and sets it afire or they do it themselves. Those murders are in most cases displayed as suicides or accidents in the kitchen. Only rarely does anybody investigate for murder:
A 1997 report claimed that at least 5,000 women die each year because of dowry deaths, and at least a dozen die each day in 'kitchen fires' thought to be intentional. The term for this is "bride burning" and is criticized within India itself.
It is a sad state that India is in. We hear about this kind of cases, you read about them in the newspaper, it is the society in which I grew up. While writing these lines, I remembered my thoughts in my childhood. When I was a child, maybe a teenager, I thought I would only marry that girl whose brother is married to my sister. In this way I could make sure that nobody would mistreat my sister. My child’s mind could think that much and find a solution that my sister would never suffer such violence. Later on, when I grew older, my idea about marriage changed altogether and I did not have any wish to marry anymore. Four years ago my sister also departed unmarried from this world.
We are leaving India today to go to Germany and as always we feel sad to say goodbye but are looking forward to see our friends and do some work in Germany.
Related posts
The ugly Indian Habit of spitting anywhere they want – 21 Sep 16
When the Birth of a Child is not a Reason for Joy: the seventh Daughter – 18 Aug 16
Why a four-year-old is trained to feel ashamed when being naked in India – 5 Jul 16
Indians hit their Children in public Places – and don’t feel guilty about it! – 8 Jun 16
If you are in India, plan with ‘Indian Standard Time’! – 16 Feb 16
Why young Indians don’t have to think twice before lying to their Parents – 18 Jan 16
Life for Women in India is changing – but not where it is needed the most! – 14 Jan 16
Leave old Times behind – ‘No Sex before Wedding’ is a Moral of the Past – 13 Jan 16
The horrible Consequences of Pressuring Women to bear Children – 12 Jan 16
Dear Balendu Ji,Thank you very much for this blog.I think it is very important to establish public in this area.
These lines make me very sad though it is not the first time I hear this, I have heared already so many incomprehensible to me stories about violence. I’m am very aware of the situation of women in India. I’m sure also here only education will help . In particular the education and training of Women, so they have a better change in this society. It is a very different standard point when you as a women know that you can provide for yourselves and are not dependent on a man and the in-laws. Then a Women must not only of survival reasons enter into marriage but out of free will … 🙂
I pray for all women and also men, That that Day may come soon…
Love and Peace
Ursula
Swami ji, It is just great to know that there are people like you who have similar thinking as mine.
As the commentator above said education will help in eradication of dowry. I doubt that . In all good intentions, education has failed to change the mind set of average Indian. That means we are only literate and not educated. Education is when we think for ourselves and make rational decisions.
Most of the time dowry perpetrators in the case of dowry problem is a women — her MOther in Law. It is surprising that most of the dowry issues happen because of women. Most of the men yearn for sons only because of undue pressure from their mothers.
I think there are two kinds of groups, good men,good women and bad men and bad women. Not all men are bad and not all women are good.
We have enough laws but zero implementation. A law such 498A becomes element of abuse where daughter in law takes revenge on mother in law. This is what our society has become, a society of revenge.
I feel disgusted to even think about these things but I have tried and not been able to convince one single person not to take dowry. Indians do not simply want to understand and love each other.
Sorry for the rant( I hope you understand my frustration) and thanks for sharing.
Regards,
Ashvini
Dear Ashvini,It is also great for me to read your comments here and know that we think in the same way and that you, too, are making efforts in the same direction.
I think that education may be the base that is necessary for changes to happen but as you already said, that alone is not enough. There has to be a change of mindset. You can teach people as much as you want but if there is no change of attitude, the inner feeling, then there will not be any change of outer action.
The point is that we have to bring this change to the inside. Only laws don’t help, I also agree in this point.
The whole system is wrong. When there are arranged marriages, it is not for love. When it is not for love, why not make a good business and get a dowry along with the wife?
When there is no love, this kind of thing can happen. We have to bring love in our relations with each other!
What a horrible custom to still exist in todays world…………..
Isn’t it sad that every day there are thousands of women who are suppressed, beaten, abused and even killed by their husbands? In our age of modernization, globalization and progress, women are still so badly treated! It is a shame for this world!