Yesterday I said that you can develop a strong emotional relation with someone if you are physically close. I often see that there is a big difference in this kind of relations in between India and western countries.
Once a western man was here, many years ago. He saw me and my sister, who is no more with us, and saw how we play and hug each other. He was in a way fascinated and said ‘If I did this with my sister, she would kick me immediately! We never hold hands or sit next to each other in close contact. We just never had this physical closeness and these things seem like something I would do only with my girlfriend.’ And when you are not used to it, it may seem funny that siblings are as close as we are.
Many times travellers in India also have the impression that there are many homosexual men in India. They see them walking on the street holding hands or arm in arm. In western countries this usually means they are gay. You don’t see many men walking hand in hand there. Here in India however it is completely normal. Yashendu and his close friends often sit close-by each other, have the arms around each other’s shoulders and talk in low voices which could give a western person the impression they are a couple, whispering love talk. Only when tourists have spent some time in India they notice that men here can have a friendship with physical contact to each other. It is just normal.
I appreciate this point of Indian culture very much. A family often sleeps in one room together. With this I don’t mean people who cannot afford a house and only have one room where they all live, cook, eat and sleep. No, also families that can afford more than one room to live in. In the house where we lived in my childhood, we had four bedrooms but still all six people, my parents, my sister and we three brothers always slept in one room. A family lives together in one house and they simply have more physical closeness. Through this, the emotional connection is of course also stronger.
I have seen cases in both cultures, too, in which family members have big fights and problems, simply because there is not any emotional relation which they are lacking because of physical separation. And I feel especially in the west, everybody gets trained for physical separation.
It starts in very young childhood, when already babies get their own room in a flat or a house. They sleep separately before they even speak their first words! And if any child does not have his or her own room by a certain age, people start thinking that it is in some way unnatural! Of course, you pity families that cannot afford a separate room for a small child and thus let it sleep in the parents’ bedroom but actually you think it would be better for the child to sleep separately. For me this is strange to see, simply because in my culture, a family can sleep in one bed even when the children are adult by age already.
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I often sleep w/ my kids. They have this amazing closness w/ eachother, both emotional and physical. I feel trully blessed they are as close as they are, and hope that it’ll not change w/ their age and their friends influence. That kind of family bond is so special to me as well as very natural. Thanks for this post:)
Thank for this post 🙂 I realy do love it :)I remember we used to sleep also in one room when we was children. 4 in one big bed and tow on each side of the bed in separated baby beds and still I can feel the breath from my Father on my neck. Ohhhhhh God how I did love that and still do. He used to hold me tight through the night and I used to play with his hair till I felt asleep. He always called me little lamp cause I did not move at all when Daddy held me tight :)) 🙂
Why I am telling all this …It is 100% true that physical closeness develop a strong emotional relation. I could feel my Father. I knew exactly in witch mood he was and what he felt. I can’t describe other then that I could feel him and still I can even he is not in this world anymore. Yes I do miss him very much. He was the only person in my life I talked about everything and because of him and the love I had for him I did not try all thous things teenager did at that time. I knew he would be disappointed and hurt so I just did not want to make him feel like that and did not do what my friends did.
Don’t let your Children feel like Aliens in this world … let them feel love, let them feel you :)))) and they will carry you with they whole life 🙂
Love to all … :)))
this all is so true. I admit that when i lived in india i was amazed hw close people r to each other, they dont know u, yet the would touch you, the straightforwardness and openness. Y am i sayin this is tht i taught me a big lesson – i used to feel reali awkward if someone was closer to me thn 2 metres and the nearer they wud go the more claustrophobic i wud become. But i have changed… xx
Yes I love that, and grew up with it. That´s something I really miss in Germany!
I strongly believe this is about the struggle against TBC a century ago. People who were born before 1901, in my experience, needed no excuse to hug and say endearing word, those born after did…
One of the reasons why I am so fascinated by India and love it so much!!!
I’m from the US and sitting very closely to someone, even on a bus or train would be very strange and cause me to feel strange. I would wonder if someone, man or woman, was coming on to me if they sat so closely. If they held my hand I would be sure of it. I feel in myself that both sexual and nonsexual touch are natural forms of expression but I realize that where I come from sexual touch is overemphasized and there are very few opportunities for nonsexual touch; so few that nonsexual touch may often be misconstrued as sexual! Or worse an individual who is doing the touching may not know the difference. I would love to come to India and see the difference.
Physical separation is indeed emphasized from birth in many subcultures in the US. In Africa I saw infants sleeping soundly on their mothers chests. But many people from the US hear horror stories about what happens to infants that sleep with their mothers. They could be rolled over on and killed! So little value is put on sleeping with your young children that in several states SIDS (“Sudden infant Death Syndrom” that occurs when a sleeping infant does not have its mother to match the rhythm of its breathing too), a scientifically researched and established syndrome is not recognized as a legitimate cause of death in several states. That means mothers and fathers who suffer the death of their child in this way are reviewed as suspects in cases of homicide.
Sometimes I want to hug my friends but I don’t because it would be strange. Then I feel like I am repressing something. I really enjoyed this entry Swami Ji.
I actually touch my dearest friends quit often. We hold each others hands. We hug. We sleep in the same bed sometimes but don’t “sleep” with each other. We kiss each other on the cheek or mouth but not in a sexual way. And we love each other sooo much. We share everything, external and internal. This is something I learned at University. A lot of youth behaved this way but not because it was mainstream. In ways it was an act of rebellion. And I definitely feel that it made our relationship with each other stronger. We all love each other so much. Now in our mid twenties we are several years away from buying land together that we will farm and live on. This is also unconventional all though there are sooo many different ways of living and doing things in the US that I hesitate to say even that. I guess what I mean is that no example was set for us in this attitude and it just feels like the most natural thing that we can do for ourselves. This way of life has been such a wonderful, joyful and growthful experience for me that I feel there must be something to it.
It is very interesting that so many young people cannot stand their parents in the United States. They cannot wait to leave their home. I was like that (and with that separation I became very close to my parents and now we are good friends that see each other whenever we can for as long as we can with great happiness) and of course I know people who are not like that and have never had that problem. But so many people are waiting and waiting to go to University or get their own apartment. It is so so sad to reflect upon why this is. It must be very hard for parents to expect that once their children are teenagers, those children are going to hate them.
I remember being a kid and loving when there was a hurricane because my whole family would sleep downstairs in the same bed. I can only imagine that my parents also really enjoyed this.
Haha Swami Ji! Great entry! When I visited India one of the first things I thought on my very first train ride was “Wow, for a country where homosexuality is illegal, this is the most progressive nation I have ever been too!” I love the way that men touch each other in India. I think it is beautiful. It was definitely one of my favorite things about my visit.
It is really weird to think about how young children begin to be prepped and parents begin to be prepped for the separation that will occur between themselves and their child. It is as if giving a child his or her own room at an early age will somehow make leaving less crushing. I don’t know. I do wonder if it is all a preparation for heartbreak. And I wonder why people never think to change or alter this tradition. There are things about the separation that I see as very exciting, full of opportunity and growth for both parents and children. When my family separated the pain changed our world. It was the fire that led us into better ways of being. But it is a strange tradition that seems to go unquestioned by most. Why?
I’ve owned a psychiatric practice for 7 years. I have not only teenage but adult patients who get into harmful sexual partnerships because they are starved for nonsexual touch.
Bunti and Yashendu! I miss you boys!
Do women touch each other the way men touch each other in India?
I think the lacking emotional relationship between parents and children in Western Culture comes from many many sources and the absence of physical touch may or may not be one of them. A lot of families touch and hug.
I’ve been to India. The touch is definitely different there. I know people touch in the US but many don’t touch as often or as playfully. That is my interpretation. The definition of personal space varies every where. In the west, people have a lot of it.
Haha my sister would KILL me if I hugged her.
I have wondered why women in India don’t share this closeness. What is the cultural dialog behind the closeness between males that makes them behave in such loving ways towards each other? I think it is very sweet.
That is really so sweet. In the same bed? That is… just so sweet. I understand the importance of family if that is how close everyone is. I kind of hate it when my family tries to touch me.
I know a lot of conservative groups in the United States that would call physical affection between the same sexes unnatural, even if it is nonsexual. It’s a reminder that belief or cultural indoctrination can lead to madness but also a reminder that the word “natural” can be a loaded concept if it is used to solidify belief in behavior.
Swami Ji,In many places in the US it would be an abomination to hold your brothers hand or your friends hand while walking down the street. Someone might call you disgusting and feel very disturbed. This makes me very sad and I feel it is very crazy. Do you stop holding your friends hand out of respect even if it feels unhealthy or unnatural?
This was a really fantastic entry. It made me think about things that I have never considered before. I feel like it is 10 years back and I am sitting in a classroom that is opening up my narrow mind.
I never thought about this sleeping arrangement before. In the West there are many stories about monsters hiding in closets and children facing these creatures, under their beds or hiding in the corners of their rooms. There is also lots of talk about children coming into their parents room when they are scared by a storm or afraid for any reason. I wonder what Indian children’s stories are about then. So many here are about fears experienced alone in the bedroom.
Physical closeness feels great! And can really help build a relationship! Monkeys do it, dolphins do it, dogs do it…the list goes on. Lets do it!
The subject of children’s literature does a lot to expose the fears that kids face and the ways that they suffer.
I appreciate this point of Indian culture as well Swami Ji. In fact I adore it.
People do start thinking that it is unnatural for children to sleep in their parents room after a certain age or to live in their parents house after a certain age. What is all this “unnatural” business. People seem hung up on the word. It so often sounds like an excuse to not think things through.
So many internal pain narratives stem from parents in the US. It is so uncommon to come across people who don’t hate their parents at least a little bit. Interesting.
My wife and I really like this entry. We always enjoy reading about your thoughts and appreciate you sharing your unique and wise perspective with us. We see that you made a New Years resolution to try to visit many places and people this year to give workshops. We hope to find you on the road.
That is so interesting.
There is one difference that I have noticed as well, not only here in India but also in China. But while your family had four bedrooms and all six of you slept in one room, my family which also has six people made full use of the four bedrooms that we have in our house. My younger sister and I shared a room and my two older sisters had their own rooms…but then they moved out and then my younger sister and I had our own rooms…quite a different culture.