I yesterday started writing about the problems that exist in between married women and their in-laws. It is very common that there are lots of fights and problems in that relation and often we see that the daughter-in-law can convince her husband that it will be better to move out and separate the family. In many cases this looks like it is the woman’s wish to break the family apart but I think you cannot put the blame entirely on her – take a look at the in-laws’ behavior. I have often seen something that would enrage any sane person: they treat their own daughter very differently from their daughter-in-law.
Maybe some of you now think of fairy tales with the bad stepmother neglecting her stepdaughter and favouring her physical daughters. Unfortunately the comparison is in many cases not as absurd as it may sound. The parents-in-law and in fact the husband’s complete family including himself often seem to have double standards regarding their own family’s daughter and the woman who has joined the family through marriage.
While the situation may not be as drastic and clearly visible from the outside as it is in those fairytales, there are noticeable parallels. It is for example usual in traditional families that a married woman wears a sari. Many families whom I have seen in our surrounding don’t allow the new woman in the family to wear anything else. The daughter, whether she is unmarried or married, can wear whatever she likes – be that a salwaar suit or even jeans and t-shirt. Nobody minds or cares about that.
Additionally to the sari, the very traditional families even ask her to cover her head and her face in front of her husband’s elder brothers and father as well as any elder guests. The sari is made in this way that a woman can drape it over her head and face. This is supposed to be a sign of respect, which I personally find senseless but which is very important to parents who want to preserve the original Indian culture. In case of their daughter-in-law, not of their daughter!
This is a quite normal double standard that you can witness here all the time. They don’t only raise boys and girls differently but also make a big difference in between these two women, even if they are of same age. Their daughter is allowed to go out and do a job, to go and work and earn money of her own, spend her time with something else than work at home or inviting girlfriends over. The daughter-in-law however is not allowed to work anywhere. If she brought up the topic, they would make her understand that this is not her part of responsibility and that she should look after the home. She could explain as much as she wanted that this would be for her own joy and diversion – they would be against it.
If this daughter-in-law thus does not have any wish to live in this house anymore but would rather move out, have a separate home together with her husband and be free of such restrictions, one cannot blame her. It is the logical consequence and very understandable in my eyes.
I have seen this happening in many families. First the eldest brother gets married and after some time he moves out with his family. After the next brother’s marriage, the story repeats and again with the last one. It thus seems to be the current wife’s fault but if you look at the picture as a whole, don’t you think it might be these women’s parents-in-law, too?
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