I told you yesterday about the mother of a school girl who doesn’t even consider leaving her husband although she earns money and he drinks and beats her. I wanted to write a bit more about the reasons why Indian women often stay although the situation in their home is abusive, sometimes worse than one can imagine.
As I mentioned, financial security is normally the very first reason. Many women have not learned anything, have never worked anywhere than in their homes and have thus never earned their own money. Obviously, they have the feeling that they cannot provide for themselves, let alone for their children!
Another reason, and the bigger one I believe, is the view of society on divorce. How horrible it is for a woman to be divorced. To have had a partner, no, a spouse and now not anymore. The blame usually goes to the woman, not the man. Even if she says that her ex-husband had been drinking and beating her, she might get a response like ‘Clapping never happens with one hand’, indicating that she must have done something wrong as well and he thus had a right to lay his hands on her. Domestic violence is unfortunately also still too common for people to be shocked by this accusation!
Another reason for staying in an unhappy, abusive relationship is religion. Yes, I believe every religion tells spouses, and especially women, that matrimony is sacred. That you should take care of your partner. As a woman, that you depend on him as well. That you have to obey.
In Hinduism, leaving your husband is a sin. A marriage is holy and you are not supposed to break this sacred bond which has been blessed by the divine. In fact, when you marry in Hinduism, you don’t only marry for one life but for the whole long time of seven lives!
When I told this to Ramona, she answered dryly: ‘So what? Maybe this was the seventh life already?’ and I had to laugh. Of course – how would you know?
In this religious country in which a majority of people puts much emphasis on traditions, old values and trying to live their life in a ‘decent’ way, a woman who stands up for herself is not greatly appreciated. A woman who seems to destroy her marriage, who takes the father away from their children or brings shame on her family.
Or a woman who actually values herself. Who respects her own life, herself, her body, mind and emotions. Who wants to be able to look into the mirror without bursting into tears. Who has the strength to face all that goes against her and do what is right. To protect herself and her children.
Stand up for yourself, get on your feet and take your life in your own hands again. You can do it – and although there will be many against you, you will also have those who are with you!
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