I often write that it is wonderful to be living in a big family. Here in India it is still usual that people live with their children and parents as well as grand-parents together. It is called ‘joint family’ here and I have said so many times that it is great to have support, close relations and the love among each other that we have here. I know however that this is not usual in the west. I have actually often been asked in the west how it is possible here and why it seems impossible to them there to live together with their relatives in this way. There are of course several factors that play a role there.
I hear from many people that they think it is a great idea to live together with their parents but that they would themselves never like to live with their father and mother anymore. They say they would lose their freedom, they would not be able to live the way they want and they would only be fighting the whole day. I often heard ‘I love my mother but I would not want to live in one house with her’.
One aspect that I think plays a role in this is that people in India grow up thinking that this will be how they will live. They grow up in a big family and obviously believe that they will also live like that in future. So they already get used to live together with many other people who have different opinions.
In the west however there is the concept of individuality and individual freedom that they believe is very tightly connected with having your own flat or house. A family is mother, father and children. There are normally no grandparents or aunts and uncles in the same house. It is not the concept. People grow up and learn that they need to be able to face the world alone. They get their own bed in the very beginning, their own room, their own freedom. In teenage time already they do just what they want. Parents encourage them on the one hand, on the other hand they complain about it. But in the end they accept it – their child is getting older, is slowly separating from them and has his own life in which they don’t have any space anymore.
So these are the factors that you may say predestine a person to either live in a bigger family or to refuse such a life. There is however another factor and that is your general attitude towards others in your life and of course their attitude towards you. And this is not only a problem in the west. This attitude creates problems here in India, too, and also here there are families who have problems among the family members. So this is not a problem of the country you are growing up in.
It is a general attitude towards others. How do you treat those people who are around you? How do you live with them? And here I can tell you from the experience of my own family that it is the most important thing to accept each other as you are. You know that maybe one in your family tends to be very negative while you yourself like to be positive. It is okay. You know that another one in your family likes to collect things that you believe are not of use for anything. It is fine, too. You may not like a habit of your parents but you know that they don’t like another one of yours but still they accept it. So you accept theirs. And even if you have a bigger discussion, you know that you love each other, so you just accept that the other one is of another opinion.
You need to accept each other. Take your love that you have for the other one and accept him. It has to come from all sides, I know, but you can make the first step. And with this acceptance, you also give the other one the freedom he needs to be himself. This would be the way for the west to have their individuality and freedom even in a bigger family. You know, once you have reached the point that you really know the other one, you just love being with each other, no matter what the other one says or does.
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It is true, I am not used to live together with others mainly because I started locking myself into my own room when I was 14. I have always been living alone ever since I was 17 – and it is difficult now even living together with my boyfriend! It is a big change and I think it would be very, very hard to move together with my parents again. Actually it would be even hard to live in the same town :)But now with my partner I learn to accept others again closer in my life. Maybe there will be a day when I can spend more than five hours in the house of my mother again… 🙂
Everyone is different, even in a family. Accepting the differences about each other, annoying or good is part of loving and caring for each other. There are probably many annoying things about you too!
This is so true, I love my family, but would not like to live with them, but then st the same time they are the one who most accept me for who I am and what I do. They support and love me and yet when I think about everyone living under one roof…I can’t wrap my head around it…although we do it when we are younger…I don’t know why it changes…maybe we just get too strongly opinionated or something.