Are Expectations allowed in Friendships? – 19 Oct 10


Are friends those people whom you love without expectations?

Of course, friendship means there is no expectation. This is like a golden rule. I have said and written this over and over again myself. However sometimes and with certain experiences I think ‘It is really wrong if you have even only a small expectation from your friend? Are expectations really that bad?’

There is naturally always the fact that expectations can be disappointed, they are a sign of attachment and you should love someone without expectations so that he or she does not feel any pressure from your love. If you do not have any expectation however, what makes a friend different from any other person whom you meet on the street? Don’t you expect from your friends that you can open your heart in front of them? You should even expect a friend to be the one who is there for you when there is nobody else. Otherwise why would you turn to him for support? If your friend cannot have the expectation that you will listen to him when he tells you about his emotions, then how can you call him a friend?

In a close friendship two friends have the sensitivity towards each other that before one of them even has an expectation or can express it, the other one already fulfills it. You have this connection of hearts that you know beforehand what the other one would expect. And you will fulfill it with much joy. Your friend has the question in the mind if he can expect this or not but even before he decides to expect, you give him what he wants. This even saves him of having expectations.

Expectations, if set too high, can always be disappointed. Expectations, if set too high, can create pressure. If you really love a friend however, I think some expectations do not create pressure but more love and closeness. They will not be disappointed as it is just natural for the other one to fulfill them and for you to fulfill his or hers. The expectations become a reason to love the other one even more. That is real friendship, when expectations just turn into love.

8 Replies to “Are Expectations allowed in Friendships? – 19 Oct 10”

  1. I ask friends to not make promises to me unless they actually can fulfill them….I told my child unless you are really sure of it do not make promises you cannot keep as it deeply hurts people if you cannot keep them or made them with no real intention of fulfilling them. I even explained this to my husband as well and others it can affect a person deeply. and if you cannot keep promises make up for hurting the person maybe they haven’t been able to forgive you for the great harm you did right away it takes time…

  2. And thank you for the beautiful pictures of the children. a friend of mine is trying his best to loosen the muscles in my paralyzed hip so i can do yoga again.

  3. If I have no expectations of anyone, including friends, family, lover, spouse, then there is never reason for me to be upset with them. Upsets are simply unfulfilled expectations.
    Why should I be upset that my friend doesn’t want to share in… my Drama. I can just go to someone who enjoys or is willing to listen to Drama. If I can find no one to listen to my Drama then I guess the Universe wants ME to deal with it.

    What this makes available is to “Love For NO Reason”. You don’t have to please me for me to love you and if you don’t please me, then I can still love you.

  4. Beautiful :)to feel that someone has some kind of expectation at you which you are not able or willing to fulfill puts a big pressure and grief on someone. Pressure is a every negative vibration / energy which effects your whole system and… with this all around you. Why would a friend want to give your a negative feeling if he or she love you and call himself your Friend ???

    I remember when we was little Kids we went outside to play and whom ever we met outside at this time we used play with 🙂 When we liked that a dear friend play with us we just went to they home to ask him or her if they like to come outside to play. Sometime the answerer was no … it was ok for us … we just went ahead with our games. Maybe we was a little sad for few seconds but no bad feeling, nothing inside left cause there was not really a expectations but just a wish to share :))))

    Nowadays it looks like everyone does expect something from you… your Family, your Boss, your Colleagues, your Pate, your Friends and then you yourself too … arrrrre give me a break ! :)))
    How much lighter would it be if love sets us free like when we was little Kids …. there is only to share and enjoy then 🙂

    I do Love what Chanz Nixon said : “Love For NO Reason”. You don’t have to please me for me to love you and if you don’t please me, then I can still love you….:))))))))))))))))))))

  5. Expectations, Desires, Attachments..They all give rise to Anger, Jealousy, Greed, Envy, Hate, Selfishness. The opposite of this is the Mother-Child relationship where none of the above exist! Its just Pure Love!! 🙂
    We Humans live in a society where there are always expectations from everyone! and every relationship that we enter into, we have a secret desire from it….Be it Lover, Friend or any other relationship. Why do we harbour expectations? Do we seek some kind of a security?

    I have experienced all these myself. The moment there expectations from people around us, we begin to experience the negative emotions. Keeping yourself distant from the expectations, desires, attachments and only harbouring emotions of Pure, Selfless Love for the fellow Human Beings gives tremendous fillip to the upliftment of the Soul! :)))

  6. Ahh expectations. Yes they can be disappointed, and yes it is natural to create them.
    I think what Swami Ji said is accurate: Having expectations fulfilled in friendship brings great love and closeness. Without these fulfilled expectations, what differentiates your best friend from an acquaintance?

    With the same token, the only person we ever have control over is ourselves. Perhaps your friend could not fulfill your expectation because he was following his heart. As much as we would like to control our friends and make sure that they fulfill all of our expectations, we simply cannot. And if we truly love our friends, we would want what is best for them, whether or not it is best for us and our expectations.

    Moreover, people always fear negative emotions…but they are very important to our spiritual growth! Betrayal, especially, is a lesson that we learn over and over again in life until we discover how to deal with it. After being betrayed enough, we eventually see that the world does not revolve around us! It is not common that a friend would betray you merely for the sake of hurting you; they likely had a personal reason that went against your needs. And yes, it hurts. And no, it’s not fair. But we learn to forgive our friends for their mistakes, just as they learn to forgive us for ours (we betray people and disappoint their expectations, too!)…it is not easy to read people’s minds. By communicating our needs, our friends know how we would like to be treated- but even then, they may disappoint you.

    Ultimately, you cannot control someone’s behavior; you can only respond to it. So if someone does disappoint your expectations, look closely at your emotions. Is it something that can be forgiven? If not, then you have the control over your own life to pick and choose your friends.

    Rather than trying to hide from negative emotions, welcome the human experience with a heart full of grace, love, and forgiveness.

  7. I think you should always expect something from your closest of friends however in such frantic lifestyles that people live now a days you have to accept that your friends may not always fulfill your expectations. It is almost naive to suggest that your closest of friends will always do what you expect. It would seem that this is a negative outlook on friendship although i believe this to be more realistic in what modern day society is. However I do completely agree that you should only make a promise of it can be kept.

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