Express yourself – even about disappointed Expectations – 29 Nov 11


There is a general rule: don’t keep expectations, then you won’t be disappointed. While I usually also recommend living with as little expectations as possible, there are some expectations that you cannot get rid of and some expectations which are also fully acceptable. I always have the feeling that there are some relations in your life where it is okay to have certain expectations.

You would for example expect your mother to happily welcome you for a dinner when you come by. And she would usually not disappoint you! It is just natural for a mother and her motherly instinct to care for her children and feed them.

In the same way you would expect your partner to love you. It is a normal expectation to have in a partnership and it is expressed in different ways for different people. In some relationships that may be a hug and a kiss when you meet, in other relationships, the partners like to have long talks in the evenings, telling each other about their days. Whatever the expectation is, you happily fulfill them for the other one.

Obviously such expectations exist in friendships, too, and to varying extends. Some expectations are very basic and sometimes we feel an expectation goes too far. But among friends, in relationships or among family members you should be able to tell the other one whenever you feel that an expectation was not fulfilled.

I once was talking with one of my friends about a topic. I said ‘Yes, this is what I wrote about in the diary last week!’ He answered ‘I have not read this.’ As he was a very close friend, of whom I had expected that he would be reading my diary, I was disappointed and I straight away told him about my feeling. I told that I would not mind if he had read it and did not agree with my opinion. If you don’t like it, it is fine, just tell me, that can happen. But you are my close friend, are you not interested in what I am doing and thinking?

After I had told him that it had hurt me to know that he did not read and felt as though he did not have enough interest in my life, he answered that he was happy I told him about my feelings. This is how friendship should be, you should be able to share what you felt about the other one. I appreciated his reply and think that it is really good I shared my feeling.

Sometime later, and even now when I write about it though, I feel that my expectation was unnecessary. I don’t need to be disappointed if my friends do not read every post. I am still happy that we could express our feelings honestly though and that made our friendship and love even stronger.

If ever it should happen that you are disappointed, it is the sign of a special relation that you can tell the other one about your feeling. The other one may not always agree with your expectation but because you love each other, he will be happy to hear about it. If he can, he will take care of your expectation because he loves you. If he believes you expect too much, he will tell you and then it is up to you to accept that. In my eyes this shows that you have deep love for the other one – whatever it is, you can share it and it won’t make a difference to the love in between you.

One Reply to “Express yourself – even about disappointed Expectations – 29 Nov 11”

  1. That is a nice example of a good friendship. I agree that you should be able to tell everything to each other in a friendship but the reality often looks very different. You hesitate because you don’t want to destroy the friendship and lose a friend. On the other hand however we do feel disappointment and sometimes even anger which is then stifled. Unfortunately whenever you do have an argument then, everything comes out. All those stifled emotions show… not so nice then but at the first moment you never tell…

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