Being comforted by Apra, who misses Ammaji the most

It has been one week now that Ammaji is no more and again time seems to do both at once: It flies by, leaving me wondering whether it has really been already seven days that I spoke to her and laughed with her. At the same time however, time is stretching with seemingly endless hours in which I am just sitting there, thinking of her, unable to direct my thought towards work. One person is however always able to distract me from the pain of our loss and that is Apra. Apra, our little sunshine, who, with her eleven months, is not able to express it but misses our Ammaji just as much as we do, if not more.

Of course one can see how she misses her. On Monday, a lot was going on in the morning and many people had come to say a final goodbye to Ammaji. In that time Apra had not noticed that her grandmother was no more with us. She played with the boys in the garden while we made the necessary preparations for the cremation. Ramona and she went along to the Yamuna but also that was only an adventure trip for Apra. It was the evening and even more the next day, when everything calmed down a bit and daily life should have continued when Apra noticed the change. A big change for her!

Every morning, when we were ready to leave our bedroom, I told her we would go out now, to Ammaji and Babbaji. On the way to the office I would then go into Ammaji’s room and leave her there to have her breakfast and play. On Monday evening, when I looked into Apra’s face, asleep on our bed, this was a big question for me: what should I do the next day? How confused would she be when she would not find her there?

She was and still is confused. It gets less every day but it is the strongest when she gets tired during the day. She spent a lot of time in Ammaji’s room and while Ammaji was preparing something for the kitchen or just sitting there, Apra was playing next to her. Ammaji would rock her to sleep if she was not outside or with us and she always had, and still has, her naps in Ammaji’s bed. Babbaji and Ammaji always slept next to her and Apra often rolled over, feeling the warmth of Ammaji’s arm and belly. Whenever she woke up before them, Apra woke Ammaji up by playing with her hair, Sari or bangles.

She is of course missing this all and she was very clearly searching her in the past days. She can pronounce ‘Amma’ and she again and again calls her, points to the room door and makes us go there. Once we are in the room however, she sees that Ammaji is not where she was always sitting and then she gets angry, frustrated, searching but not finding her. She then wants to go out again and until you find something to distract her with, she will keep on getting more and more upset. Why doesn’t she come and take me in her arms? Why doesn’t she play with me? She remembers her from time to time and although she cannot say it clearly in words, we can understand her language and she tells us clearly that she misses her.

Naniji lay down beside her when Apra had her midday nap in the past days on the same place. Naniji put her hand on her when she flinched in sleep. When Apra suddenly woke up however and looked around, she expected Ammaji to be there but she was not where she had always been. She started crying. It was a shaking cry that reached deep into the hearts of us parents, who immediately hurried over from the office to take her in our arms, nearly crying ourselves, knowing that our baby had to get used to waking up without Ammaji.

How could this little one understand the finality of death? Her small mind just knows that she is not there at that moment. We all do a lot to distract her. We take care not to show her Ammaji’s photos, which we were looking at, because she gets a longing, searching look on her face when she sees them. It strikes her memory and makes her sad. For some days we had even stopped saying Ammaji’s name in front of her. We will start telling her about Ammaji soon, though, to keep the memory alive, even if Apra is still very small.

It was too early for Apra to really remember Ammaji and this is a realization that hurts us very much. She will not be able to get the love of her grandmother while growing up. At the same time we are thankful however for the eleven months full of love that these two wonderful beings could have together.

In the end, it is just wonderful to have Apra in this period of mourning. The pain is there and tears have to flow but we don’t show her our tears. When she comes in, we start playing with her. We say we distract her but in reality it is she who distracts us, who makes us smile and laugh. I cannot imagine how we would be able to overcome this sadness if we did not have our little Apra!